Stumbling Toward God

So, many times I've wanted to comment but haven't because somehow I feel like I shouldn't say anything unless it's "profound" or really explains me - I know you're searching for "the truth" and feel like I should explain my own search. Not necessarily on your blog, of course. But that's not easy to do, and I'll probably never come up with anything "profound," so I'll just put the comment here that came to mind when I saw this post:
Enjoy the ride.
 

i remember going home, and looking in the mirror and seeing myself old.
yes.
love is what you define it to be, and i don't mean that in a cheap halmark card way. what makes something dead tim? i saw a movie today called kingdom of heaven, you should watch it, anyway at the end both side's leaders expain that the holy city is worth nothing, nothing and everything. feeling have no inharrent value, to me that's the lesson. numb can be highly functional, but to be able to put on your emotions, to take a walk in them, like a child in a dream...
emotions are yours, you are the only one who can make you feel, but you know that... how else could you escape so artfully from the world?
 

I have been wanting to address some of the comments that I've gotten, because I really do not think that we are all on the same page here.

Let me tell you why I hate flying. I am 6'2. I do not fit in an airplane seat. I once had to literally sit at an angle in my seat because the length of my leg from hip to knee was greater than the distance between the back of my seat and the one in front of me. That is obviously an extreme example, but the best airplanes are not much better. I have a problem with my calves being constantly sore, and I prefer to stretch my legs out whenever I am seated, which is obviously impossible on an airplane. On some airplanes, I even have to duck to avoid hitting my head on the television monitors when walking down the aisle.
Furthermore, I can not do anything when I am on an airplane. I always take things to read, often a journal to write in, and my laptop, but when I am actually on the airplane, I find it impossible to focus. All I can do is watch some movie that I most likely would not have chosen myself, try to get some kind of restless sleep, or just sit there for hours and hours.
In the past year, I have had a seven hour layover in a foreign country, I have lost a personal item in travel, I have been delayed by striking ground workers, missed a flight, been searched twice at the same airport because the first guy did not stamp my ticket, had to pay an obscene amount of money to spring my car from airport parking, changed my ticket to a different airport at the last minute, and had my favorite pen leak all over my pants pocket.

So, if I hate flying so much, you ask, why on earth do I keep doing it? Why do I not just sit at home and surf the internet, or whatever else I enjoy so much? I get on airplanes so that I can see my mother one last time, or go to her memorial service. I do it to spend time with what's left of my family at Thanksgiving, or Christmas.

There is a certain type of Hollywood movie that is always trying to convince us that the journey is more important than the destination; that you need to take charge of your life, and do what is right for YOU. The corporations are also telling us to indulge ourselves, or that you need to invest in you, because YOU"RE WORTH IT. It's easy to forget that Hollywood is in the business of making things up, and that corporations are in the business of selling us things that we don't need.

So it's not always about enjoying the ride. Sometimes the destination really is more important than the journey.
 

You're right; but you're wrong. Its true its not always about enjoying the ride. But I'd like to second diana's advice: you should enjoy the ride. If only for our sake.

The problem with the Hollywood/Madison Ave. messages you speak of is that they diminish critical reflection. You can get away with anything if everyone thinks it doesn't matter. But for everyone who knows you, it goes without saying: you are not in grave danger of taking life too casually.

I'm not sure you know how disappointing it can be to us periodic readers of your blog to check in and find you are still in a state of moral agony. Moral questions are important. But so is your life; I wouldn't compare it to being stuck on an airplane (but then I don't believe much happens once we land). But whether you are religious or not, our lives in this world are worth taking care of.

There is a danger in over-moralizing. You have a penchant for idealizing your struggles, which makes it impossible to see your way out of them. I dont know what to say to someone who worries that the things he is going through aren't "real" or that he's "living someone else's life". What are you looking for? Of course its real. What would convince you otherwise? Does love mean anything? What is it supposed to mean anyway? I'm not sure what you're looking for, so I can't help you find it. The best I can do is suggest that you should change your expectations of what it is you hope to find.

The prevailing moral question is how to relate yourself to the world in a way that leaves you and the world (and god, if you prefer) at peace. I completely disagree if your plane analogy is meant to suggest that life is some torturous instrument to bear with on the way to somewhere else. Whether there is an afterlife or not, this one shouldn't be wasted.

Its not an easy challenge, and its the challenge of everyone setting about into adulthood. Set up a life in which you can be at peace with the world and with yourself. And that means: find a way to enjoy the ride.

Shantih.